Before I get into my blog I would like to thank those of you who follow my postings. Despite the fact that I rarely do post. I will go ahead and warn you all that today's blog will not be a blog that makes you happy. Hopefully, it will not make you sad but when I decided to do this my main goal was to let people into the true things that I think about on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis and knowing that I am too good at hiding my emotions I feel like tonight is a good night to just let things go. Do not feel afraid to talk to me about these things. In fact, I almost encourage it. No. I do encourage it and am subconscioucly asking for help although my pride will not admit to that.
Alright. Well here it goes.
I don't really know where to start so all I can really say to begin is that for about the past 3 years or so ago I have felt like I have been treading water with my life. I use the expression "treading water" because when me and my brother were children we would often have contests in our pool to see who could tread water the longest and the pain that my muscles endured while swimming in one place to maintain my head above water was atrocious. So... metaphorically speaking I feel like that is what I am doing to my life and it is causing my emotions to suffer that very same pain that my muscles went through while in the pool.
In the summer of 2008 I decided to move to Charlotte, NC after feeling like my friends at the time were not my true friends and didn't really care about my well being. So I decided to put school on the back burner and I had got a job as a teller at Wachovia Bank(soon to be Wells Fargo) and that September I was living at an apartment in NC with a couple I had met on craigslist. After living there for 3-4 months I still hadn't really made many friends or connections anywhere with the exceptions of my brother and his family, and my sister and her family who both lived in the area. I never really received any phone calls from friends in Tallahassee(which some didn't surprise me, some did) but those that I did get I greatly appreciated and later made me second guess as to why I left. A couple months or so after that I did some thinking and praying to God as to what my purpose was in NC and if I should stay or go back to my old home in FL. I didn't have to wait too long to realize that I was needed for something better in Tallahassee. So in May of 2009 I put in for a transfer with Wachovia back to Tallahassee and was back and working within 2 weeks.
After arriving back in Tallahassee I immediately felt like I was back at home. Everything was going great. I got to get back in touch with the friends who honestly cared about me and those who chose to let me go my ways I figured that if they truly missed me for the 8 months that I was gone and then I would hear from them in some form or fashion. Some I did, some I didn't, but I figure it's for the best. I was also ready to get back into school and finish my two semesters at FSU I needed to complete in order to graduate. However, I was lacking funds so I decided I would continue to work and save some money in order to go back to school. That June or July I also sat down with my best friend Brandon "The Chosen Juan" Marsters as most of you already know, and discussed renting a townhouse in March of 2010, which is where we now live and has been a blast since. However, what I went through from the November before moving up until that point significantly changed my life and view about things.
Now, for the record I just want to state that before I moved to NC I hadn't been in a relationship for a good year and a half. Also, while I was up in NC, I never was in a relationship. So around November I was beginning to get very lonely. Now I'm not one to jump into a relationship when I feel lonely, in fact I make sure I don't because that is how you end up in a relationship with a person that you later find out you would NEVER go out with. The good thing is that these lonely feelings would usually go away within 24-48 hours. In late November, possibly early December, I was on facebook and wanted to get back in touch with some old friends. So as I perusing through my friends list I came across an ex who lived in VA and I was curious to figure out how she was doing as she was once very dear to me. After talking to her for a few days she mentioned that she was thinking about moving back to transfer to FSU due to her not liking her current university and wanting to change her major. I told her that that would be awesome if she moved back and that I would be excited to get to see her again. Part of me wanted us to get back together, but I knew that it had been awhile since we had seen each other and had probably changed alot since then. However, as soon as she got back mid-December, we immediately hit it off. Unfortunately, she had changed and was involved in things I didn't necessarily approve of but she wanted help and I was willing to help her. On top of that I opened myself up to being taken advantage of and letting my morals drop which later led to her getting pregnant. After discussing our options we had decided that we wanted to have the child and try and work things out. Not long after me and Brandon had gotten our townhouse she told me that she regretted the whole thing, didn't want to be with me and that she was moving back to VA. Needless to say, I was mindblown by this information. About a month or so later I received a call from her saying that she was going to get an abortion. Once again blown away, and left in a state of speechlessness, I found myself on my knees praying to God and asking why I was going through all of this. I never really received my answer until I was chaperoning for a youth retreat for our church this past summer. The discussion was on the prodigal son and how happy and gracious his father was after seeing his son return to him after going off with his inheritance, wasting it on wild living, ending up in poverty and having no place else to go but home hoping to be able to work as a servant for his father. After hearing this in depth I realized that I was very much like the prodigal son. Sure I had not been living the way I should and was slowly getting better, but after hearing that message I lost it. I had broke down into tears simply thinking to myself, and I remind myself of this constantly, "God not only sacrificed his own Son for the forgiveness of my sins, but he also sacrificed my own child for the sake that I may come back to know him." God knew what I was going through. He was going to let me make those mistakes and it is because of those mistakes that I have grown closer to Him and learned to appreciate him for who He is and what He does for me. Am I glad that she got an abortion? By all means NO. However, God knew what was best. He knew that I most likely would not be able to afford a child, nonetheless be able to go to VA to see my child that often, and He knows how much I wanted to be a part of that child's life. However, God for some reason only known to Him, decided to give me a second chance. The interesting thing is that I don't deny or regret any of this happening. Am I ashamed that I needed something that big to put things back in perspective, yes. However, I choose to look at that as a time in my life where I was, to put simply... being foolish.
Anyways, back to "Treading Water". Now that I have got myself back in gear and back to where I feel I should be. Somehow, someway, I still can't seem to get enough money to get back into school. In fact, there have been times where I've even considered simply working my way through Wachovia and making a career out of it. The problem there is is that I feel like I'm not completely happy with what I am doing. Sure it's fun and gets me by, but at the end of the day, I know that I would be much happier working somewhere in the sports industry or perhaps owning my own business. It's been brought to my attention that my managers like me and want me to succeed but I don't want to get too involved in the company so that if I do decide to go back to school I can't because my job would require me to be full time. So in order to see how things go I have applied for a small promotion which would still allow me to go to school if need be, yet still allow me to see if I am happy with what I am doing in making this a possible career. However, these painful decisions are slowly making me tired and weary.
The more reoccuring theme as of late that I wish would disappear is that of my current "single" status. Most guys say they love the single life. I'm not buying that. With the exception of the previous relationship I just spoke of I have been single for 3-4 years now. The only reason I don't count the previous relationship is because I never really was truly happy in it. I thought I was at times, but I wasn't. It just wasn't a healthy situation to be in. Now, I don't know if something has changed in the past few years but apparently I'm not doing something right and I wish all these friends of mine who are conveniently getting married and in relationships now would be so kind as to let me in on their little secret. Since my wake up call I have been on one date, who I never heard from again, and was supposed to have another recently where I was then stood up after cooking a very nice, tasty, and expensive meal. I thought girls liked nice guys? I thought girls wanted a good sweet guy that can make them laugh and is willing to be there if they need them? Where did these girls go? Oh yeah, that's right. They are too busy getting distracted by jerks who will be cheating on them the next night and not want them calling because they are hanging out with their friends the following evening. Again, I apologize for such of a somber blog but lately I had a dream where I was hanging out with a friend from a while back with whom I had gone on a date with earlier and in the dream we were sitting on the couch watching a movie all snuggled up together and slowly she began to just fade away right out of my arms. The second she was gone I woke up. All I want is that moment. That person I can sit down next to, enjoy each other's company and simply just relax. I'm tired of playing these "Mickey Mouse Games". Ladies, if you want the right guy, stop putting up with the one that's causing you problems. Guys don't change. And when they do it's few and far between and usually takes awhile to happen. I don't care who you are, if you are dating someone who is treating you wrong, and need help, I'll help you. But don't come to me complaining about him not changing when you continually put up with it. Someone once said, "Insanity is described as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Well, with all this said, all I can say now is that I am just flat out tired. I'm tired of not getting anything done about school, I'm tired about not making a decision about work, but most of all, I'm tired of waiting around for someone to come my way and actually give me the time of day and see me for who I really am. I'm tired of going to sleep thinking that my need to show someone just how much they mean to me will continue to go unfilled. I'm tired of waking up with that idea of "why couldn't she be real?" stuck in my mind all day. Yet I continuously hear of girls complaining about how they wish they could meet the right guy and how all guys are trash and how bad they are being treated. I'm sorry ladies, but sometimes you just have to fully open your eyes and look around because that "right guy" could be sitting right beside you. Oh and FYI, that's usually the guy who doesn't say anything when you mention the "right guy" but is more than happy to help when you complain about the "wrong guy".
On that note, have a great night and I hope y'all give me some feedback. Good or bad.
Enjoy your week.
Dave "The Game" Hindman
